Re Birthday

 My favorite day is here again, Yay!   Rebirth day as I call it, really is just a marker of a point in my life.   It is point in life to mark the growth that has come over the years.   Yet a few years back it was a goal that seemed so out of reach and unobtainable and now it is reality.  

I don’t always talk about this part of my life much because it really personal and close to my heart.   For the non transgender people though they seem to like to focus on this part of life and really ask the most pressing and personal questions they can think of.   Many articles as of late have been written about what NOT to as a transgender person.    

Yesterday a good friend of mine posted on Facebook  OK - for those who are Trans*, it's Write 1 Line of your Story Today. If you had to sum up in one line something you would want to say to the entire world - what would it be.

So today in my reflection of over the last few years I was trying to think of what my one line is to sum up my experience.   Being a person of not many word I thought this should be easy to do.   It is 10pm now and I just couldn't get it down to one line,   here is a few words that come to mind though.

Inter peace ,  Freedom,  overwhelming happiness,  Joy  calmness, gratitude,  quietness of the heart,  genuine , normal,   set fee,   Serenity, blessed   authentic.

I really have a hard time summing up how I feel in words but I can always do that in my photography.   This photo I took the other day says it all for me.

     

A long few days. (Past experiences come to my rescue)

This weekend was a whirlwind of craziness.   It all started out Thursday I worked a shift at the JFK airport from 4pm to 4am.   I got off work and packed the car and drove 12 hours to get home for Tina’s birthday. I surprised Tina for here birthday,  she didn't think i would be home once again.  It was great to see her and the girls event though it was just for the night. I got up the next day on Saturday and got 2 new tires on the car because I got a flat on the way home of Friday L.  At around 2 pm I finally was able to get on the road to drive to Miami.  It took be just a bit over 8 hours, then I worked all-night and got off around 830 am.    So to sum it up I drove 1300 miles in a few days, and I had 2 days that I was up about 30 hours at a time. 

I had 2 instances over the weekend that really made me thankful for my past experiences in my so called past life.   I think that I am blessed to have them and most women would never have the chance to have them so in a lots of ways I feel very lucky.

On my way home Friday I had just passed into North Carolina coming from the JFK airport.  I was driving along and all of a sudden I get the dash lighting up that I have a flat tire.   I pulled off at the exit that was coming up and pulled into a gas station figuring that I my need air in a tire.   I got out and my left front tire was leaking air pretty good and had a bulge in the side wall.  My 1st thought was what a way to add to my already long day being up for 24 hours already.  So I go inside and the gas station and get a nice cold Pepsi and  use the restroom.   I come out to the now flat tire.   Here is where my past experience comes to my rescue.  Back in the day as I call it I used to work for my Uncle in a tire and wire rope shop.  A flat tire really doesn't intimidate me in anyway.  I get down to business; pull the spare tire out of the trunk and all the implements that are packaged nice and neatly with the spare tire.  I notice that there are 2 older gentlemen sitting on the curb outside of convenience store watching me,  as I am getting ready to jack up the car they come over and ask nicely if I need help. From what I can see on there faces its is  mostly because I am woman and for sure can’t change a tire.  I politely say oh no thanks I can get it, they walk away and sit down to watch just knowing that I have no idea what I'm doing.  In about 10 minutes I have the spare on and everything packed away, and I didn't even get my shirt dirty.  They were in shock J  I just look at them and smile and get back to my trip home.   I am thankful that my VW had a full size spare being I had 320 miles left to drive home. 

My Second experience happened when I got down here in Miami.  I have been sent down to help our other Loadmaster Camille out.   I got in really late around midnight Saturday and checked into the hotel and headed out to the airport to watch the operation.  I am really just counting on observing the operation and learning how they do things.  When I got to the airport I was met by Camille who was very panicked because the plane was do in around 5am and the cargo build crew was short handed by about 4 people and had only build 6 out of 18 pallets needed for the flight.  At the rate they were going there was no way they would get it done even by departure time.   Once again here is were my previous past life came to the rescue.   About 8 years ago before transitioning I ran a warehouse that built and broke down freight for a cargo airline.   I have a vast amount of experience in that area, and again you would never expect a woman to have that.   I went to the lead of the crew and asked if he would like help, he was very stressed out and agreed to let me help.  I could see in his and his small crews eyes that they was very apprehensive.   I figured that my efforts would be best used by running the forklift and building up pallets.  Needless to say they were shocked that a woman could run forklift much less build freight like I could.  I build faster than one of their seasoned workers was even though I was well out of practice.   After a few hours we got everything all built in time for the flight.  I ended up building 1/2 of the freight for that flight.   Once again I am so thankful for my previous experiences in life.

After a few long days now I can rest and relax and start to explore Miami a little bit.

  

Butterfly

One of my favorite things to do is go for a walk.  I find it relaxing and it is always a good time to reflect on the day’s events.   I love the New Hope / Lambertville area for walking.  They both have the tow paths that go along the Delaware River.  I really like the Lambertville side because the canal is running with water and there is more places to access the river.    A few days ago I had worked a night shift playing airplane and had most of the day to just relax so I thought I would just take a long walk and just explore areas I have not been before.  I decided to walk along the Lambertville tow path because I thought I would walk on the wing dam that I have seen so many people on before but never done myself.   Along the way I decided to stop and see this old abandoned rail car. 

I have not ever really been interested in it because it is all sprayed up with graffiti and figure what it can offer me.   Little did I know that it was going to be probably the highlight of my week.   As I get closer to it you can see that people have been putting their marks on it for a real long time.  It is a real shame that this rail car has given a long service of carrying people around and is in such bad shape, it really does deserve better.  As it make my way to the end of the car to climb up the stairs not really knowing what to expect other then thinking it is a shame that people are tagging it though.   As I get to the top of the stairs I see a half open door and the empty inside.

 I wonder how many people this car has carried.  What kind of trials in life have people had as they have ridden this car?  I start to walk through the car reading some of the interesting things people have written on the walls.   There is a really weird calmness that car seems to be giving off, not really sure how to describe it at all.  I finally get to the back of the car and walk through the door and was looking at the markings.  This is where my eyes lead me to a small area with this saying.

WOW this saying hit home with me. It made some tears come out; I am kind of sappy that way though. It has so much reference in my life in so many ways especially over the last few years though.  As I look back on my life for the last few years I have really been like a butterfly just emerging out of the cocoon.

Do we know what people are thinking?

The other night I went out to eat at theTriumph Brewing Company here in New Hope.   We had excellent food and really good service that night.  The best part was the company I was with and the good time we had chatting with like minded people.  What got me thinking of this story was I was asked if I noticed the two younger people staring at me that night?  To be honest I didn’t notice but I also usually don’t notice things like that.  I think over the years I have developed a thick skin to stares as well as I just tune things out.   But it did remind me of what happened when we were visiting Tina’s mom one time. 

We went out to eat at one of Tina’s favorite places to eat when we visit her mom, its called Luigi's.   Their food it really good and the restaurant has a nice atmosphere as well.  While we are eating this couple came in and sat down across from us.  Like usual I didn’t pay much attention, but Tina did and said to me.  Do you see those people staring at us?  I started watching and saw that they were paying close attention to us for sure.  My first thought is are they staring at us because they perceive us as a gay couple, or because they have read me as trans, I really couldn’t tell but they were really intrigued with us for sure!  So I told Tina I’m going to get to the bottom of this and buy them a glass of wine and see if I can chat with them.  Tina was don’t you dare reward them for staring at us, if you do I’m out of here.  They are just going to make a scene.  Brenna our oldest was egging me on as well, so I orders them up some drinks J  Tina, Christa and her mom high tailed it to the car and Brenna and I went over to them to have a chat.  I was on high alert and was not going to put up with any crap, however I thought that I would be tactful to start with.  They greeted me and said thanks, but wanted to know why I was so friendly in buying them some drinks.  I said I saw you staring at us sense you got here and you looked nice and thought I would be nice.  Here is it got interesting, they said that they travel all over the country racing bikes and that they stopped at that restaurant because it looked like a nice one.  They said that they see lots of families out there but not many as nice as us and they couldn’t get over how well  our children behaved and how happy we were as a family.  I think the moral of the story is you can’t judge what people are talking about from afar, and you can’t let your own insecurities cloud into a judgment of what people are thinking or saying about you.

A very nice week

Last night’s fireworks ended a great week.  Work was uneventful and quite enjoyable and really stress free.  I even got to have a nice sunset as I was loading one of our flights.  The air force boys have been extremely helpful on our flights too, it just make life so much easier.

Yesterday I had a day off and I thought I would treat myself to a pedicure.  It has been months sense I have had one.   Before things got really busy the last few months we used to go to a really nice nail salon as a family and get our feet pampered once a month when I would get back from traveling.   I think we really need to get back to doing that if we can squeeze in the time.  I was always a bonding experience for us.   I went to this nail salon just up the road yesterday mostly because it is so close to walk to, I have not really heard much about it but it always seems busy when I go by though.   I was pleasantly surprise at the experience.   I got a hot stone pedicure, and it was so good!   At the end after they massage your legs the use hot stones to finish the massage.  I really enjoyed the heat of the stones and the smooth stones, it was really soothing.   After they painted my nails the brought me out to a round table to dry the polish.  This is where I was caught off guard for sure!  They proceeded to give you a nice neck and back massage.  For the people that know me I’m a little weird on my body space and people that I don’t know touching me really bothers me.  I think for that reason I have never choose to get any kind of messages, even though I have always wondered it if would be good or not.   I really enjoyed the neck and back message so much,  I would go back just for that any day J   I would have to say that going there was the most pleasant experience I have had at a nail salon ever.

Lunch with a friend

Today I had lunch with one of my friends here in Charleston.  He is really a cool friend; I have known and worked with him since we moved here.  He is one of my friends that truly have amazed me in my transition.   He has never questioned or even asked about the changes that have happened he has just accepted me for who I am.   For lunch I ordered a baked potato with chili on it.  We sat down and were catching up on each other’s work.  I all of a sudden thought did I order that with veggie chili?  I wasn’t sure, but that’s what I normally order.  All these thoughts came to me, if it has meat in it will I eat it, should I go check the order to see, dang I really don’t want to make a scene….  All of a sudden the potato showed up, it did have the chili with meat in it.  So I had to make the choice of eating it or not.  Do I want to go against my conviction of being a vegetarian? I sure really didn’t want to make a scene and redo my order because the restaurant was getting very busy.   My thought was oh I can eat that,  it won’t be so bad.  It was really good to eat, but in the end I really paid for it.  Not only did my stomach hurt for a few hours but I was also very disappointed in my choice as well.

In thinking about this choice it really does parallel my Christian walk.  We all face small sins or choices that come into our lives each day.  We have to make a choice of what to do with them and either follow our convictions or give in.  It’s that choice of how we handle things that gives us the great pains in life, we all fall short from time to time.   Whether it telling a little white lie or falling off the diet and eating that candy bar calling your name or in my case eating some meat today.   In growing as a Christian part of it is learning from our past sins, so that we can better handle situations in the future.