The passing of Henrietta

We had a sad day yesterday.   Tina got off work and came home and was tending to the babies, feeding and watering them.   They do the usual when she opens the door the all jump out and graze in the yard.   They just love it and the dogs love to play with them too.   When Tina went to put the back in their pen she noticed that she didn't see one of hers Henrietta.   The searched all over and didn’t find her, she finally looked in their roost and found her in the corner dead.  It just broke Tina's heart!   She was such a nice chicken and very affectionate.   She will be missed!   Here is a few photos of her over her fairly short life.

Peeps in the house

We are off to a new adventure.   Yesterday we went to the local farm store and purchased 4 baby chickens.   We each picked one out that we thought was cute and brought them to their new home.

The girls and I had made a coop prior to that.  I under estimated the time it would take to make it by a few hours.   The last few days I had been researching on how to make them and what would work best for us.  With them being as young they still have about 5 weeks before we can put them outside.   Because of this I wanted to make a coop suitable for using inside but yet also work for the outside when they are old enough as well.   We went to the hardware store and gathered our supplies and set off to construct it.   The girls were big help holding the wood as I sawed it to helping hold the boards together as I nailed them.   We had purchased a roll of chicken wire and that was sure time consuming attaching to to the 2 x 4’s, but we did it!   I’m sure it was quite a sight 3 ladies jamming out to the car stereo on the back patio putting it together.   In the future we will need to make a house to attach to it for the nesting boxes.  We will have a few weeks to make that though, it will give us some time to better prepare.

Now we need to name the Girls.

Reassurance

Reassurance is something we all need from time to time I think.  For me it seems that when there are changes in life I always feel the need for reassurance.  Some of the bigger changes in life I have been so lucky to have Tina there with me by my side.   She has been so great in giving me the reassurances that I have needed.   For over a year and half I have been carrying around this coin that Tina gave to me when I was in the hospital for a week.  

I have kept in my purse, and a lot of the time it was in the car where I could see it all the time when I was driving a lot.   Now that I’m not traveling I have been keeping it in my pocket.    I am pretty sure that Tina doesn’t know how much this little coin means to me.  When I am feeling down or needing some reassurance I pull the coin and remember the time when Tina gave it to me.    I sometimes like to look and the coin and remember where I have come from and it gives me hope to where I am going a well.

Poems of change

Tina and I went to a writing seminar by Ray McGinnis on writing through grief at Holy Covenant UCC.  We have only attended 3 services so far be we feel very at home there.  I have attended many churches but by far this is the most friendly one I have every attended.

Tina, myself and Brenna thought that it would be a cool thing to do together as well as a way to meet people at the church.  I also thought I might be able to take away some ideas to help me write a little better.

One of the exercises that we had to do was do a alphabet poem.

I found it interesting that Tina and I would have chose the same topic to write about.  
We shared  them in small groups, and one of the ladies said that what we wrote was reminded her of wedding vows for each other.

This is what we wrote:

The Alphabet of Changes

By Brynne Soukup

 A few changes I have made from

Brian to Brynne the

Changes have been hard and

Difficult

Eventually I have

Found the

Great Joy in my

Heart of who

I am now. The

Journey almost

Killed our

Long

Marriage.

Now

Our relationship though is stronger than ever!

People often

Question why Tina would stay in the

Relationship.  I know

She

Truly loves me and is dedicated to me

Until death do us part.  I

Very much

Want her to know

eXactly how much I love her the same way too!

Yesterdays love and hurt is gone, but there is future love to come!  Our lives may be

 craZy at times but we have our love to share ALWAYS.

Alphabet  Poem

By Tina Soukup

Although it’s

Been 2 years since the transition I still mourn the loss of my Brian.  We met and fell in love at

College in 1991 and then in 1992

Decided to get married.  Actually, we

Eloped.  That really blew the minds of

Family members!  I never would have

Guessed at the time that Brian was transgender.

He was always the “manly man”; hiking, fishing, working

In his uncles tire shop.  I

Just sometimes feel betrayed. I married a man.  I wanted someone to have children with and

Keep us safe.  I still love the person I married.  But the

Loss of

My husband still saddens me.   I can

Now understand and see how I missed the

Obvious signs early in our relationship.  Some

People don’t understand why I stay.  I’ve never

Questioned my love for the person inside.  I

Respect and

Stand beside my soul mate.  We have

Two beautiful daughters to show for devotion to each other.   But I don’t think I’ll ever

Understand why Brian didn’t

Voice his true feelings to me

When we got serious as a couple.  I would like to

examine those thoughts and

whY Brian didn’t feel secure enough to tell me.  It should be black and white like a

Zebra’s stripes.

Wine Tasting

When I travel I always like to go to a new church.  I did my usual Google search and came up with Plymouth Congregational Church.  I really liked how old the church was and also they did say they were accepting and affirming so I thought I would give it a try.   I really did enjoy the service and loved what the pastor talked about in his sermon.  In one of the readings of the bible that they did was of how women for many years had been bleeding and touched Jesus garment and was healed.   He piggy backed on that on how touch is so important to us today.     He gave many examples of how we communicate by touch in many different ways, or when things are tough we reach out to touch the ones that we love.

It really hit home for me especially over the last month.  Recently we just had to put Abby to sleep when we were moving to Rock Hill.   Interestingly one of the ways that Abby and I really communicated was for me to hold her paw.   It was a way that we showed each other our love.  She loved to have her paw held, she would sit up on my lap and put her paw on my had to be held and sit there and purr up a storm.  As she was passing, I did get to hold her paw one last time.   Sure was a hard time for both Tina and I, and we reached out to hold each other’s hands as well.  We have always reached out to hold each other’s hands when things get tough.  I think we all need a hand to be held once and a while, I’m sure glad that I have Tina’s to be there for me. 

On a happier note one of the things that they mentioned in the service was a wine tasting event in conjunction with St Stephens Church that evening.   It really did peak my interest, I have never been to a wine tasting before.  St Stephens’s church’s AIDS ministry was putting it on as a fund raiser for their ministry.   Normally I am really shy and will not try new things by myself much less go somewhere I really don’t know anyone.   However it was held at a wine store about 3 blocks from the hotel I am staying and I really did want to see the wine store so I gathered up my courage and took a walk up to it.  I was so shocked at how nice and welcoming the people were.   They greeted me and treated me so nice and friendly, I so didn't expect that.    A nice couple George and his husband Manuel and Lydia took me under their wings and introduced me to so many people.  We had such a good time talking, drinking good wine and eating some really good appetizers.   It really reminded me that I need to keep pushing myself to get out more, because if I wouldn't have done that I would have missed out on so much. 

Weeks Reflections

I had time the other day to as is was relaxing at this wonderful beach to reflect on the last week’s events. 

 I think the highlight has been that Tina and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary on the 3^rd.   I look back at the years and they seem like they have just flown by.  Like most couples we have had our ups and downs but all in all I feel so blessed to have Tina in my life.   As I was showing pictures of Tina and I to a friend the other day she said we have a true love story.  I think that her comment really does sum up our relationship so well.

A couple of post back I was talking about my suitcase and all the baggage we carry in life, I related it to my broken suitcase that I had.   Well I finally bought a new suitcase J

My baggage in life I have also been working hard in clearing excess out that I have been carrying around too.  With the recent move I think that will is going to really help.   I also have a few relationships that have been toxic as well.  I have been addressing them and either trying to fix them or limit the effect they have in life on me. I always find the family relationships to be the most troubling, I feel like I owe more to the relationships because they are family, but how far is too much?

Our family and animals are adjusting to the new house.  I think Brenna and I made the right choice on picking houses.  

Oh the stress of moving!

This last week has been very stressful.  We are in our final night here in a hotel in Rock Hill SC.  We will finish unpacking what’s left of our move tomorrow.   We started our journey when I got back from working in Miami on the 18^th.   We had a huge garage sale on the weekend of the the 20^th and 21^st.  I was shocked we made $980 between the two days.  However I was bummed that we did not get our refrigerator sold and the ping pong table though.  On Tuesday Brenna and I went up to Rock Hill to get the keys for the new house and try to get the utilities set up.  But we got a late start so we didn't get everything set up and to top it off the house was not cleaned like the landlord had promised.   We went up the following day and got all the utilities set up and spent 6 hours cleaning the house.  We got back home at 1am, we were so beat.   The 25^th we picked up a 20’ U-Haul truck and I so thought that it would be too big.  I was so wrong, we packed it full!   Oh my we have accumulated a lot of things sense we have move in to that house.  On Friday we got everything packed and cleaned the house up.  We wanted to leave the house cleaner then when we rented it.   Up until this point we were extremely stressed out, and this is when the stress went over the top though.  We have had one of our cats that has been a bit sick lately so I thought that I should take there to the vet to see what was going on with her before the trip to our new home.  They did all kinds of test and determined that she had a mass on here intestinal area.   They were not sure if she would make it through a surgery or if they could even do surgery on her and what quality of life she would have even.  Tina and I had to make such a hard decision on what we should do for her.  Oh we so struggled with what was the right decision.  We decided to have her put to sleep. We didn't want her to face any future needless pain and suffering. It was the hardest thing Tina and I have had to do; she was such a great part of our family.  She has brought our family so much joy and love.  Tina and I were so glad that we could be with her as she passed though.  I am also thankful that the staff was so kind to us in that hard time for us. 

After that hard time we did last touched of cleaning of the house and left for Rock Hill.  That was one of the hardest drives that I have had to do,  all the emotions of leaving the town that we have been in for 6 years.   There has been so many good memories there, and with the the passing of our cat added it made it a very emotional drive and lots of crying.

Unloading the truck was so much easier; I back the truck up to the front door and put the ramp from the truck onto the front porch.  I was able to bypass the steps into the house and made it a lot easier.  In a post before I talked about how I used some skills from my past male life.  Here is were it came in handy again.  I worked for a rent to own store and got pretty handy with a appliance dolly and moving appliances and furniture.  I was able to show Brenna how to move all the big things with a dolly.  She was amazed. 

We will be spending the night tomorrow for the 1^st time in the house.  We have been so blessed that I have had a lot of hotel points.  I have used them to stay in both Charleston and Rock Hill.  It has made it a lot easier to not stress on getting things packed and unpacked. 

This move have been very physically challenging for me, I think I am getting too old to be moving all this heavy stuff around.  The mental side of it has hit both Tina and I really hard.  As we are getting settled things are starting to unwind finally.  We have always grown in many ways when we have moved so I am looking forward to see what new ways we will grow as a family and individually as well.