Out with the old and in with the new!

Well tomorrow will be a week sense I was notified that I was being laid off.   Yesterday at midnight was officially my last day L   I really have gone through a huge amount of emotions that I never figured I would have.   I was shocked, in denial, mad, hurt, abandoned, heartbroken, sad, used and so on.

One of the things that I really didn't expect is that Evergreen has really defined who I am as a person.  Now I feel like I need to redefine who I am, it is kind of scary but also way cool too.   I feel like I am in uncharted territory for sure.   I find that I’m in a new house that I have hardly spent time in.  A new town that I really have not explored and now no job. It all intimidates me, Evergreen has always been that constant in my life and not its not there.  

One of the things that has really helped out is that I have had some quiet time to myself.  Tina and the girls went to PA to see her mom for Christmas.  So I have had the house to my self for a few days now and it has really given me some quality time to process things.  

I am excited that I have the opportunity to redefine myself and can make some changes to myself.  I think I need to take stalk in what in important to me in life and head in that direction.  On Christmas Eve I worked my last plane for Evergreen International Airlines.   I was worried that I would get all emotional; being the waterworks had been flowing up until then.  But surprisingly it was just like any airplane turn that I did in the past.  It was very controlled on my part and smooth running with no hitches.   I pride myself on always doing the best I can do and on time departure at all times if I can make it happen.  My friend took this photo of me as the plane was departing.

I am scared and sad that this is the end of this road.  However I am also excited at the thought of what the future will bring!

Broken Heart and unemployeed

I am venturing onto a new era in my life.  On the 26^th  of this month will be my last day working for Evergreen International Airlines.   This is only the 2^nd time in my life that this has happened to me.   The last time it happened was after the summer ended when I was working for Alaska Airlines close to 20 years ago. I have to admit I am a bit upset at how things transpired.  The company waited until the last flight out of Miami to tell me on the 21^st.   I had spent all week working morning and night flights with minimal sleep and only to get told you’re done.  I feel hurt and broken, I love the job I do, and I love the company I work for as well.  Next August would have been 10 years with them.

I find myself in an odd position, I had promised myself that if I ever got laid off that I would not go back into the aviation field and try something new.   I find this pretty scary because at this point over the last 20 years I have really only have worked in the aviation field.  

  

I wonder if this is a way for God to push me into a new direction.   I find that I get in this comfortable zone and I really don’t want to move on.   I don’t want to be out of my happy zone!  So where to go now is the question, should I finish school, move over to another airline?   It is interesting how life brings you new and different choices. 

Working for the Evergreen has always been my comfort and constant in life through many different moves to different cities and especially through life’s changes.  Now I find myself surrounded by all new and no constant at all, it feels so overwhelming right now.    

Planes and Wedding Dresses

Well I have been crazy busy sense my last post.   I left Miami and stopped a few days in Savannah GA on the way home to work 2 planes.  

I got home for 5 days and back to Miami for a day and back home to catch a plane in Charleston.   I have driven over 7,000 miles on the rental car sense the end of October when I rented it. The last 2 weeks I have had the opportunity to work a the MCC Food bank as I was passing through going home.   Seeing the huge need for food in Charleston makes me so blessed that I have a job!

Tomorrow I will get to go the church that the family has been going; I’m excited to see the church service.  Not sure how they will be with Tina and I though, they kind of seen a bit conservative.

I will head back to Miami after church for a week of the Christmas rush.  I don’t think it will be too bad we will have a plane in the early morning and in the later evening.   Last year I was working in Minneapolis and the way the planes were coming in we were only having 4 or 5 hours in-between and you had to decide between sleep or eating.

Today Tina and I took Brenna to shop for a wedding dress.  I was not really sure if we were going to find the dress of her dreams but sure thought that we could start looking anyway.  She tried on several but it was the 3^rd one that caught her eye.   I just loved how her eyes lit up; you could tell it was the one for her.   I think this was the easy part, now the work will come in planning the wedding though.   Brenna has decided that she wants a fairly small wedding and mostly inviting immediate family members.  We are thinking of having it at my 2^nd home as well to make it special.

A bit lonely.

This trip has seems like it will never end and I really have not been gone too long.   It may be because I will only have had 6 days off this month and traveled most of them.  I think for me though is really being lonely had hit me the hardest.   When I traveled to PA and stayed at the Inn everyone there is more than a fiend they are like my 2^nd family.  Traveling down here to Miami I have really not had time to meet that many people.  I have been so fortunate to meet this cool person Jules that is down here for a year.  She came over the other day and it really helped so much with the loneliness.  Sense we have moved to the new town I have only stay at the new house 3 night and they really weren't full night either because of traveling.   I guess I feel like I don’t have a place to call home yet?  At some point after the 1^st of the year I should have more time home and can start to feel like I belong there.   Being gone as much as I am I really am concerned about finding and meeting friends.   I am blessed with having my spouse and 2 children at the house so there is that comfort.

Yesterday morning I got to put a faces to some voices that I have been hearing when I was in my hotel room.   These people that are staying next to me are so loud!   The husband and wife are always fighting, bickering and such.  I was down having a late breakfast in the lobby and these people were waiting for someone.  I thought I recognize the guy voice but really not too sure.  It was a pretty good size group of people and you could tell they were family.   Then this lady comes down and just starts in at this guy, screaming at the top of her lungs right there in the lobby.  He starts yelling back at her; yep they are the mystery people staying next to me that yell all night long at each other.  I can only speculate on how long they have been married, but given their age it seems that they have been married probably for more than 40 years.  The way the family responded really indicated that this is a normal thing on their part.   I think every marriage has some dysfunction; I am so happy that Tina and I are not like that though.

My last weeks travels

I have been busy from my last post.   I have driven around 3000 miles in about a week’s worth of time.

A brief summary I drove from Miami home, and then the next day we drove to Tina’s mom’s house in Pennsylvania. The following day Tina and I drove up to New Hope Pa to spend a night at the Fox and Hound Inn to celebrate our 20^th Anniversary; we were kind of late being it was the 3^rd of the month but this has been the only time that I have been home though. The next day we drove back to her mom’s house so we could do Thanksgiving the next day.  The day after thanksgiving we drove home and the next day I drove to Miami back to work.

Out of the whole trip the time with Tina was so special to me.   It has been over a year sense we have spent any alone time without the girls.   What really made it special was that we stayed at The Fox & Hound Inn.  For us it is such a special place with many cool memories as a couple. For me I have so many happy memories from there and it really is my second home because of the amount of time I have spent there this year.  The last time Tina was there was when she and the girls joined me for last Christmas.   What really made this visit cool was we got to stay in room 101.  Because I have stayed at the Inn so much I have names for all the rooms but this room is the most special room out of them by far.   I call this the Rebirth room, being it was the room I recovered from after surgery and it is the starting of the new phase of life for both Tina and I.   So when I was booking this trip I was overjoyed that we could spend a night in the room and it was very fitting to celebrate our anniversary.   That night we started celebrating with a nice bottle of wine and got to share it with Sara my good friend that works there.  It was so nice to catch up on what was happening in her life and share what was happening in ours as well.  Lisa and Michael the owners of the Inn joined us later on and we all had a great time talking.   After that we headed off to dinner at DeAnna's for a wonderful dinner.  It was so romantic and the food was so good!   It was such a nice way of to end a wonderful day with Tina, what a way to reconnect with each other. 

Wine Tasting

When I travel I always like to go to a new church.  I did my usual Google search and came up with Plymouth Congregational Church.  I really liked how old the church was and also they did say they were accepting and affirming so I thought I would give it a try.   I really did enjoy the service and loved what the pastor talked about in his sermon.  In one of the readings of the bible that they did was of how women for many years had been bleeding and touched Jesus garment and was healed.   He piggy backed on that on how touch is so important to us today.     He gave many examples of how we communicate by touch in many different ways, or when things are tough we reach out to touch the ones that we love.

It really hit home for me especially over the last month.  Recently we just had to put Abby to sleep when we were moving to Rock Hill.   Interestingly one of the ways that Abby and I really communicated was for me to hold her paw.   It was a way that we showed each other our love.  She loved to have her paw held, she would sit up on my lap and put her paw on my had to be held and sit there and purr up a storm.  As she was passing, I did get to hold her paw one last time.   Sure was a hard time for both Tina and I, and we reached out to hold each other’s hands as well.  We have always reached out to hold each other’s hands when things get tough.  I think we all need a hand to be held once and a while, I’m sure glad that I have Tina’s to be there for me. 

On a happier note one of the things that they mentioned in the service was a wine tasting event in conjunction with St Stephens Church that evening.   It really did peak my interest, I have never been to a wine tasting before.  St Stephens’s church’s AIDS ministry was putting it on as a fund raiser for their ministry.   Normally I am really shy and will not try new things by myself much less go somewhere I really don’t know anyone.   However it was held at a wine store about 3 blocks from the hotel I am staying and I really did want to see the wine store so I gathered up my courage and took a walk up to it.  I was so shocked at how nice and welcoming the people were.   They greeted me and treated me so nice and friendly, I so didn't expect that.    A nice couple George and his husband Manuel and Lydia took me under their wings and introduced me to so many people.  We had such a good time talking, drinking good wine and eating some really good appetizers.   It really reminded me that I need to keep pushing myself to get out more, because if I wouldn't have done that I would have missed out on so much. 

Weeks Reflections

I had time the other day to as is was relaxing at this wonderful beach to reflect on the last week’s events. 

 I think the highlight has been that Tina and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary on the 3^rd.   I look back at the years and they seem like they have just flown by.  Like most couples we have had our ups and downs but all in all I feel so blessed to have Tina in my life.   As I was showing pictures of Tina and I to a friend the other day she said we have a true love story.  I think that her comment really does sum up our relationship so well.

A couple of post back I was talking about my suitcase and all the baggage we carry in life, I related it to my broken suitcase that I had.   Well I finally bought a new suitcase J

My baggage in life I have also been working hard in clearing excess out that I have been carrying around too.  With the recent move I think that will is going to really help.   I also have a few relationships that have been toxic as well.  I have been addressing them and either trying to fix them or limit the effect they have in life on me. I always find the family relationships to be the most troubling, I feel like I owe more to the relationships because they are family, but how far is too much?

Our family and animals are adjusting to the new house.  I think Brenna and I made the right choice on picking houses.  

Oh the stress of moving!

This last week has been very stressful.  We are in our final night here in a hotel in Rock Hill SC.  We will finish unpacking what’s left of our move tomorrow.   We started our journey when I got back from working in Miami on the 18^th.   We had a huge garage sale on the weekend of the the 20^th and 21^st.  I was shocked we made $980 between the two days.  However I was bummed that we did not get our refrigerator sold and the ping pong table though.  On Tuesday Brenna and I went up to Rock Hill to get the keys for the new house and try to get the utilities set up.  But we got a late start so we didn't get everything set up and to top it off the house was not cleaned like the landlord had promised.   We went up the following day and got all the utilities set up and spent 6 hours cleaning the house.  We got back home at 1am, we were so beat.   The 25^th we picked up a 20’ U-Haul truck and I so thought that it would be too big.  I was so wrong, we packed it full!   Oh my we have accumulated a lot of things sense we have move in to that house.  On Friday we got everything packed and cleaned the house up.  We wanted to leave the house cleaner then when we rented it.   Up until this point we were extremely stressed out, and this is when the stress went over the top though.  We have had one of our cats that has been a bit sick lately so I thought that I should take there to the vet to see what was going on with her before the trip to our new home.  They did all kinds of test and determined that she had a mass on here intestinal area.   They were not sure if she would make it through a surgery or if they could even do surgery on her and what quality of life she would have even.  Tina and I had to make such a hard decision on what we should do for her.  Oh we so struggled with what was the right decision.  We decided to have her put to sleep. We didn't want her to face any future needless pain and suffering. It was the hardest thing Tina and I have had to do; she was such a great part of our family.  She has brought our family so much joy and love.  Tina and I were so glad that we could be with her as she passed though.  I am also thankful that the staff was so kind to us in that hard time for us. 

After that hard time we did last touched of cleaning of the house and left for Rock Hill.  That was one of the hardest drives that I have had to do,  all the emotions of leaving the town that we have been in for 6 years.   There has been so many good memories there, and with the the passing of our cat added it made it a very emotional drive and lots of crying.

Unloading the truck was so much easier; I back the truck up to the front door and put the ramp from the truck onto the front porch.  I was able to bypass the steps into the house and made it a lot easier.  In a post before I talked about how I used some skills from my past male life.  Here is were it came in handy again.  I worked for a rent to own store and got pretty handy with a appliance dolly and moving appliances and furniture.  I was able to show Brenna how to move all the big things with a dolly.  She was amazed. 

We will be spending the night tomorrow for the 1^st time in the house.  We have been so blessed that I have had a lot of hotel points.  I have used them to stay in both Charleston and Rock Hill.  It has made it a lot easier to not stress on getting things packed and unpacked. 

This move have been very physically challenging for me, I think I am getting too old to be moving all this heavy stuff around.  The mental side of it has hit both Tina and I really hard.  As we are getting settled things are starting to unwind finally.  We have always grown in many ways when we have moved so I am looking forward to see what new ways we will grow as a family and individually as well.

A long few days. (Past experiences come to my rescue)

This weekend was a whirlwind of craziness.   It all started out Thursday I worked a shift at the JFK airport from 4pm to 4am.   I got off work and packed the car and drove 12 hours to get home for Tina’s birthday. I surprised Tina for here birthday,  she didn't think i would be home once again.  It was great to see her and the girls event though it was just for the night. I got up the next day on Saturday and got 2 new tires on the car because I got a flat on the way home of Friday L.  At around 2 pm I finally was able to get on the road to drive to Miami.  It took be just a bit over 8 hours, then I worked all-night and got off around 830 am.    So to sum it up I drove 1300 miles in a few days, and I had 2 days that I was up about 30 hours at a time. 

I had 2 instances over the weekend that really made me thankful for my past experiences in my so called past life.   I think that I am blessed to have them and most women would never have the chance to have them so in a lots of ways I feel very lucky.

On my way home Friday I had just passed into North Carolina coming from the JFK airport.  I was driving along and all of a sudden I get the dash lighting up that I have a flat tire.   I pulled off at the exit that was coming up and pulled into a gas station figuring that I my need air in a tire.   I got out and my left front tire was leaking air pretty good and had a bulge in the side wall.  My 1st thought was what a way to add to my already long day being up for 24 hours already.  So I go inside and the gas station and get a nice cold Pepsi and  use the restroom.   I come out to the now flat tire.   Here is where my past experience comes to my rescue.  Back in the day as I call it I used to work for my Uncle in a tire and wire rope shop.  A flat tire really doesn't intimidate me in anyway.  I get down to business; pull the spare tire out of the trunk and all the implements that are packaged nice and neatly with the spare tire.  I notice that there are 2 older gentlemen sitting on the curb outside of convenience store watching me,  as I am getting ready to jack up the car they come over and ask nicely if I need help. From what I can see on there faces its is  mostly because I am woman and for sure can’t change a tire.  I politely say oh no thanks I can get it, they walk away and sit down to watch just knowing that I have no idea what I'm doing.  In about 10 minutes I have the spare on and everything packed away, and I didn't even get my shirt dirty.  They were in shock J  I just look at them and smile and get back to my trip home.   I am thankful that my VW had a full size spare being I had 320 miles left to drive home. 

My Second experience happened when I got down here in Miami.  I have been sent down to help our other Loadmaster Camille out.   I got in really late around midnight Saturday and checked into the hotel and headed out to the airport to watch the operation.  I am really just counting on observing the operation and learning how they do things.  When I got to the airport I was met by Camille who was very panicked because the plane was do in around 5am and the cargo build crew was short handed by about 4 people and had only build 6 out of 18 pallets needed for the flight.  At the rate they were going there was no way they would get it done even by departure time.   Once again here is were my previous past life came to the rescue.   About 8 years ago before transitioning I ran a warehouse that built and broke down freight for a cargo airline.   I have a vast amount of experience in that area, and again you would never expect a woman to have that.   I went to the lead of the crew and asked if he would like help, he was very stressed out and agreed to let me help.  I could see in his and his small crews eyes that they was very apprehensive.   I figured that my efforts would be best used by running the forklift and building up pallets.  Needless to say they were shocked that a woman could run forklift much less build freight like I could.  I build faster than one of their seasoned workers was even though I was well out of practice.   After a few hours we got everything all built in time for the flight.  I ended up building 1/2 of the freight for that flight.   Once again I am so thankful for my previous experiences in life.

After a few long days now I can rest and relax and start to explore Miami a little bit.

  

Time for a new suitcase.

I have been thinking a lot about how I hold on to hurt and disappointment that has happened in my life.  I think of myself as predominately a positive person.   However I seem to have some baggage or hurt that I hold on too for too long.    For me I seem to categorize the hurt into two types, family and friends and acquaintances in life.

What I have found true for me is that I seem to put more weight to the family hurt.   I think what is worse is for some reason I seem to hold onto the hurt baggage longer as well.    

Because I work in the aviation industry my mind thinks about bags in a probably different way than most people.  I have done my fair share of loading suitcases in my life.   When I travel currently I have a huge big suitcase,  I love how much it holds.  It is able hold enough cloths for about a 18 day trip without having to do any laundry.  When it is fully packed this thing is so heavy, but it has a handle and wheels to pull it and it is manageable though.

In life my suitcase to hold my life’s hurts is also similar and I sure can pack lots of hurt and disappointment in it.  Like my real life suitcase it is not divided, I just stuff and stuff things in until the zipper barely closes it.  There is no order to it so if I need to find something everything is going to be pulled out.

My point to this analogy is about a year ago I was flying home and claimed my bag in JFK I noticed that one wheel had been broken was not working well.   I needed to walk about 5 blocks to our office to get to my car to head home after a long trip.  About half way to the office the wheel finally completely fell off.  So I had to carry it by the handle a few blocks.  It was not bad because it was really light and I didn't really think anything of it.   So for a year I have been using this suitcase and I works well,  I do most of my travel in a car so I don’t need the wheels to work on it, until my one of my last trips.    I was on the west coast for about 3 weeks and then on the east coast for a while.   So you can imagine I packed that suitcase until it was over bulging!  So much so that I would not fit in the trunk of the Camaro that I was driving in Seattle.  I had to put it in the front seat.  I really didn't think much about it leaving at first because the plan was to ride our own planes so it wouldn't be a issue with weight and we are always brought out to the planes so I would not have to carry it far.  On the way home the plan changed I ended up having to fly a commercial airline back to JFK to where my car was.  When I got to pick up my suitcase at the baggage carousel all I could think of was how far I was going to have to carry this heavy bag and my way heavy backpack that I used for a carry on.  I am pretty strong person but I was really not looking forward carrying it.    I struggled with the bag to get it on the air train and off to the Federal Circle.   My only hope was that there would be someone in our Operations Dept. could come give me a ride.  However it was midnight though and the likelihood was not in my favor.  I was so ever thankful when I made the call and Pleasant answered the phone and was able to come get me.  I was lucky this time but may not be the next time, so I am in a hunt for a new suitcase.

Like my real life suitcase my  suitcase for my baggage needs to be upgraded as well.   My old suitcase has gone through my life and done well for me, but it is worn out.  I also want to down size it to a manageable size, this means I need to go back through my life’s hurts and start discarding to fit my new suitcase.  It is scary for me to go through all of the old hurts but I have been carrying around way too much for way too long .   How is your suitcase?  Is it overfull like mine?

Out with the old and in with the new

Well I feel a little stressed today.   It may be self imposed stress though, but I have a big list of things to get done before I leave for work tomorrow.  I cleaned the house yesterday and really focused on getting things like cleaning the stove and scrubbing off all the hard water marks in the showers.   I want it to be a little easier to clean when we move out to your new home next month.    One of the things that I have been worried about was getting rid of our old couches and glider chair that we have had in our sun room for a while not knowing what to do with.  As I was cleaning the house I had a idea of what to do with them, I vacuumed them and spayed some Fabreze on then and moved them out to the front yard with a sign that said FREE.   We live on a major road so there are a lot of people driving by all the time.  In the first 15 minutes someone had picked up the glider rocker.  It took a few hours and someone took the sofa and loveseat.  I’m happy that they went to someone’s house and will get some more use.    We still have a refrigerator and a ping pong table to sell and 2 window air conditioners to sell before we move yet.  I think that I will try to sell them on Craig’s list.

We have moved countless times across country, so our family is not new to the stresses of moving.  It still doesn’t make it any easier though.   This move we have really involved everyone much more than in the past moves.  In the house hunting everyone has been involved in choosing our place to live.  For me the real stress is to come though.  The packing and moving part doesn’t really bother me too much.  I think the most stressful part is getting adjusted to the new town.  Finding a new church, making new friends, finding new doctors, making new friends is what bothers me the most in moves.  It is also a great opportunity to look at areas in our life that we want to improve on, and make those changes.

I am very excited for the fresh start for our family.  

The hunt is over finally

In my last post I was pretty positive that we have found the right home for us.  I was pretty excited but in the end it didn’t end up working out for us.  I was really bummed because I seemed to fit all of our needs except it turned out that they didn't like cats.  Brenna has had her cat for 10 years, and we just were not going to give her up.

This week was stressful once again in that I felt like I was starting from scratch looking for a place to live.   Brenna and I started to take trips up to Rock Hill and started looking again, between Craig’s list and local rental companies.  Each time we go up there it is such a long day, it is a 2 ½ hour drive each way and after the week before taking 3 trips up there I really was not interested in doing a trip on Monday in any way.  Monday we didn’t find much that interested us, Wednesday we found 2 houses that interested us but we couldn’t look at the inside but I called and made appointments to look at them on Friday. 

Brenna and I drove up Friday and got to the 1^st house to look at and as we were looking in the windows waiting for the person to come and show us the house I got a email from her that she was sorry for the short notice but she had rented it this morning.   We went and got the new listings from the few local rental companies and sat and had lunch feeling pretty low that we were having such a hard time finding home.   After lunch we took a drive by a few homes on the lists killing time before seeing the last house at 6pm.  We met the person at the house just before 6pm, she seemed like such a nice lady.  She opened up the house and we took a walk around it.  The last renter had just moved out and had left it so clean.   We had seen this house from outside and really like it, and the inside was just as nice.  So we decide to rent this one.  It is funny it really doesn’t fit all our needs like some of the other houses that we have looked out.  It is  not close to Brenna’s school, and is not in the school that we thought we wanted for Christa.  But it works for the animals and is in a great area to live and really quiet.  It sits on 7 acres of land.  It yard makes our current yard tiny, I’m so glad we have a riding mower! I will be putting it to a good use now.   It turns out that this house is really opposite of what we were looking for but it turned out to be perfect match for our needs.  Our struggle for find the right place to live is finally over, now the next struggle of getting packed and moved is yet to come.

                                                            

Change is in the air.

With fall coming change seems to be in the air.  Working for a commercial cargo airline I am used to change in my life.  Currently we are looking for a new place to live in Rock Hill, SC our oldest will be attending college at Winthrop.  It sure adds a unique stress in trying to find a place that meets everyone’s needs.    Between having pets, trying to be within walking distance of the college and being close to a good middle school we sure have a tall order for a house to rent J   In the past when we have moved it has always been because of my job changing.  With my current job it is nice that we have the option of living almost anywhere we want.  That sure makes it nice for our family at the current time.

 Brenna and I looked at several houses yesterday and think we finally have a handle on 2 houses that would fit our families need. Here is our favorite one.

Change is also in the air for my job as well.  For the last year I have been traveling and working at the McGuire AFB.  I really enjoy the areas and it really has become my home away from home.  I stay in New Hope, PA and is such a great town.  I have met some great friends there and have made it my  2nd Home for sure.  I am so looking forward to getting back there.  It looks like for the next couple of months I may not be spending as much time in my 2^nd home though.  I will be helping cover JFK base and working on getting my airport badge for Anchorage, AK and Chicago, IL as well.    I do have fond memories of the Anchorage airport, and when we lived there we really did enjoy the area!  When we lived there I really did work way too much, I always had 2 or 3 jobs at once.  Because of this I was not home much and we didn’t get to enjoy the area as much as we should have though L.      I am hoping that I can get back to my routine of staying 18 days a month at my 2^nd home though.  I really like having a constant in my life, so now having the job changing and home house changing it does add a bit of stress in life for sure.

I know that in the past change has always been good for myself and our family so I am really looking forward to what the new changes will bring. 

Butterfly

One of my favorite things to do is go for a walk.  I find it relaxing and it is always a good time to reflect on the day’s events.   I love the New Hope / Lambertville area for walking.  They both have the tow paths that go along the Delaware River.  I really like the Lambertville side because the canal is running with water and there is more places to access the river.    A few days ago I had worked a night shift playing airplane and had most of the day to just relax so I thought I would just take a long walk and just explore areas I have not been before.  I decided to walk along the Lambertville tow path because I thought I would walk on the wing dam that I have seen so many people on before but never done myself.   Along the way I decided to stop and see this old abandoned rail car. 

I have not ever really been interested in it because it is all sprayed up with graffiti and figure what it can offer me.   Little did I know that it was going to be probably the highlight of my week.   As I get closer to it you can see that people have been putting their marks on it for a real long time.  It is a real shame that this rail car has given a long service of carrying people around and is in such bad shape, it really does deserve better.  As it make my way to the end of the car to climb up the stairs not really knowing what to expect other then thinking it is a shame that people are tagging it though.   As I get to the top of the stairs I see a half open door and the empty inside.

 I wonder how many people this car has carried.  What kind of trials in life have people had as they have ridden this car?  I start to walk through the car reading some of the interesting things people have written on the walls.   There is a really weird calmness that car seems to be giving off, not really sure how to describe it at all.  I finally get to the back of the car and walk through the door and was looking at the markings.  This is where my eyes lead me to a small area with this saying.

WOW this saying hit home with me. It made some tears come out; I am kind of sappy that way though. It has so much reference in my life in so many ways especially over the last few years though.  As I look back on my life for the last few years I have really been like a butterfly just emerging out of the cocoon.

Eagle Scouts

I have been pondering the Boy Scouts of America’s ban on gay membership and leadership.   Being part of the LGBT community I take it to heart that they are discriminating against a selected class of people. 

I have been watching the movement on how more and more Eagle Scouts are renouncing there Eagle Scout Awards.   This is a very powerful statement I think, and I am hoping that BSA is not taking this lightly.  I think that currently only 5% of the boys will obtain an Eagle Scout award.   For these boys it involves a lot of time and dedication and huge amount of work.  The boys must have been in some form of leadership, earn 21 different merit badges,  plan and work a service project for the award, and make it through a board of review.    This is why I say that renouncing ones Eagle Scout Award is a big deal.

As an Eagle Scout I personally don’t know where I sit on renouncing the Eagle Scout Award.   I have 2 differing views on the situation.

My first view is that by renouncing my Eagle Scout I am making a onetime statement to the BSA.  I am not sure at this point how effective it is to the organization.

My second though is to not renounce it and try to become more actively involved in the organization and groups to try to make positive changes in the BSA policies.

Being an Eagle Scout has given me the strength and courage and skills, to drive through so many of life’s though roads.   

Being a trans women I don’t talk that much about my scouting experiences now, but it has given my great usable life skills that I have used throughout my adult life and continue to use to this day.   I think that every boy should have that chance regardless of their sexuality or gender.

Traveling Home

I made it home early am yesterday.   My inter kid self keep saying “Are we there yet?  ARE WE THERE YET?” 

My day started out as I got up Friday at 6am to get showered and make it for a breakfast at the hotel at 7am as the open up.  I always stay at hotels that have free breakfast, because our $30 a day for per diem just doesn’t really go too far when you are trying to eat healthy.  The night before I had talked with corporate office and they said that I was going to get home so I was really excited because I have been out traveling from the 19^th of last month.  I figured I was going to have to stay because I still didn’t have travel and I was originally thinking that I was going to have a 1120am dept.  I made a few calls and got my travel so I really didn’t have much time to pack and get my rental car gassed and returned.  After breakfast I rushed back to my room and packed all my stuff and it made my suitcase bulge for sure.  It take 2 trip to the car to get everything down.  I had to laugh, I tried to stuff my suitcase in the trunk and it just wouldn’t go so I had to put it in the front seat.  Darn Camaro, but it was fun to drive, just not practical.

I returned the car in will out any issue and made my way to the airport, SEATAC’s rental car return is about a mile from the airport.  The facility was being built when we were moving to Charleston area.  It is a nice and gives the rental companies the room they so desperately needed to grow. 

I am really out of practice traveling my commercial airlines because most of the time I drive or fly on our own planes.  I get to the counter and put my bag down the the scales and check in.  It bugs me that as a customer you should have to pay for checking in a bag.  That’s why people try to take so much on as a carry on and hit you with their bags as they walk down the aisles.  So I pay for the bag and get my boarding pass that the CSR freaks because my bag weighs 58 pounds.  I looked at him in this questioning look.  Airlines are such hogs, that 8lbs cost an additional $90.  When I was a customer service agent I would have just let it slip by, but back then it was 75lbs that was overweight not 50lbs.

I was glad that I made it to the airport 2 hours before my flight because the line for security took me a hour to get through.  I feel so much safer with the gentleman looking at my ID with a magnifying glass.  He was giving off the vibe of “I’m the gate keeper and maybe I will let you in or maybe not”.   I got past the gate keeper and now confronted the agent yelling orders to pull your liquids computer out and take off your shoes and such.  And yes I called him a “ agent”  not a officer as they would prefer,  they are not law enforcement so they don’t deserve being called a officer.   I make it out feeling like I’m a criminal, our government can do so much better than this! 

I can’t help but wonder as I am waiting in line who I will be sitting next to on the plane.  My bad side is like I hope they don’t spill out of their seat into mine because I have a window seat and don’t want to be squished into the wall like in the past.  I get seated and the couple sits next to me with a child that is one big lap child.  I was glad I had brought my ear plugs because that kid could scream.  So for 2 ½ hours I enjoyed reading my book in peace and quiet.  My next flight was nice because I didn’t have anyone sitting next to me, however I had these 2 younger ladies that got way goofy drinking.  I once again had to put in the ear plugs to quiet them.  I almost finished my book on that flight.  I am not a big book reader at all, but I have fell in love the this series of Fifty Shades of Grey. 

I arrive at JFK at 1130pm and get my bag.  I’m pretty tired, weird how flying makes you tired because is was sitting all day.  I get my bag and make my way on the train to Federal Way circle stop.  I was hoping that someone was in our office that lake because I really didn’t want to walk the couple of blocks to our office carrying my bags.  The last time I flew commercially they broke one of my wheels on my 58 pound bag and I really didn’t want to carry it a few blocks.  I was thankful that Pleasant answered the phone and he came and got me and dropped me off at my car.  He is such a sweet and nice person.   I drove a hour and made it to my 2^nd home.  It was such a nice feeling to pull in the driveway, just like coming home.  I got my key they left for me and went to my favorite room J  The Captain Brynne’s room as I call it when I’m there.  Its real name is called the Capt Reeder room.   By now it is 2am so I am pretty tired and ready for sleep.  The next day I had a wonderful breakfast and got myself together and headed out for my drive home.   It really was a uneventful drive home.  Halfway into the 12 hour drive I stopped for lunch/dinner.  I usually don’t stop but I thought I would try something new, I always feel like it is slowing the process up when I do that, but it was nice today to do it.  My next stop was at the border on NC and SC rest stop.  I really hate stopping at South Carolina rest areas because they usually are not clean.  As usual I was not disappointed it was way dirty, and this is a rest area that has a welcoming facility for South Carolina.  Not a very good way of welcoming people to our state for sure.  What bothered me the most is as I pull in there was so many stray cats.  The parking stall I was pulling into had these 2 scared cats cuddling up with each other.  They were so scared and pathetic, I just wanted to scoop them up and take them home.  The poor things, what kind of person would let poor helpless animals off at a rest stop.  I’m really not a huge animal lover, but I do have a heart and would never do that; but as a state why don’t they take then to a shelter so they can be adapted to a family that would care for them too.  Shame on you South Carolina!

I finally made it home at 130am on Saturday morning.  I was so glad to be home and my family warmly met me at the door, even though I was trying to sneak in quietly.

Seattle trip so far :)

I have had a packed few weeks here in Seattle.  I have done so many wonderful things plus work I almost don’t know where to start.   I started my trip here on the 19^th driving to JFK and flew out the 20^th.   I rode in on our aircraft N490EV, it is the most uncomfortable plane we have in our fleet.   The upper deck is cramped in nice terms.  The 3 seats don’t recline so it was a long ride for sure.  We land in SEATAC and unload some pallets and the ramp crew loads the plane.  Then I finally get to the hotel way early am and pretty tired.

It was really cool that for the 1^st few days here I was able to work with Krystie a fellow loadmaster as well.  We really have a great time together; she is so fun to be around.   About the 3^rd day into the trip we didn’t have a airplane so we drove up to the Canadian border.  She has never been to Canada so she wanted her passport stamped.  The border guard was full of question of why we wanted to come to Canada, and I think he was shocked that we just wanted dinner and a stamp in the passport.  

 He said that they normally don’t stamp the passports but with a little flirting we managed a stamp and off we went to a Starbucks to get a Canadian mug for her collection.   After getting the 2 things we need we were off to Seattle again.  We stopped at the Tulalip Casino on the way back for some gaming and dinner.  As usual I lost but Krystie did well only losing $5. 

 Krystie had to leave me in Seattle but she left me her rental car the “Beast” a 2012 Camaro.  It is real fun to drive J

On the 24^th I really had a cool experience.  My friend Violet was going out to see a horse rescue called Serenity Equine Resuce.  She wanted to look and talk to them because she wants to volunteer for them.  It was a cool place, one of the volunteers gave us a tour and I fell in love with it.  If I was here I would work out there any day for sure.  I have not had much experience with horses but they are just beautiful animals.

The 28^th I had a canceled plane so I headed to the Oregon coast.  Our family has a beach house there and I have not been in 5 ½ years.  It felt so good to be back, I only got to spend a day there but I so enjoyed it. I had a great night of food, then some wine and reading a book in front of the fireplace with a nice fire. 

I am hoping I can go back once more before I leave back to the East Coast.  On the way honme on Sunday I got to stop in Portland and see my friend that I have not seen in about 22 years.  He is a Baptist pastor now Lincoln Street Baptist Church.  We went for some coffee and talked for a few hours and then went to meet his wife and family.  I am going to take the trip down this Sunday to catch one of his worship services.  I am excited to attend his churches service.

The 31^st Violet and I and her grand baby went to take a ride in the Farris Wheel on the pier downtown Seattle.  That is a cool thing to do.  The line was not long to wait in and it was such a nice day with so much blue sky.   Today we went to the King County fair in Enumclaw.  It was a perfect day to go, it was the 1^st day and the weather was just right.  We had a great time taking in all the animals and exhibits.  I am so enjoying the great cool weather it is such a change from the hot east coast for sure.

I  did work several planes in-between thing though.  I do feel spoiled with the commercial side of the air cargo though.  The rampers are so sweet and load the plane for you, that doesn’t happen when I deal with the military flight that I usually work.  I think that I am getting spoiled J

1 year Anniversary

Today started out is such a awesome way, as I was working the plane Kristie my co worker hugged me and wished me happy rebirth day J   One of the rampers that was helping us load our airplane sang happy birthday to me over the intercom.   WOW I about cried!   How sweet, so today is my 1^st year anniversary of gender confirmation surgery.    As I look back on it a year ago I was in the hospital all juiced up on morphine in a daze.  It was a scary time, but so well worth it.   I have been blessed beyond belief with a spouse and children and job that are so supportive.  Without them I would have never made it to where I am today.   I find myself today in Seattle full circle, about 6 years ago we were living here and I was working over 100 hours a week at work to keep myself consumed and my mind off my struggle and deep drive to be a women.   Now here I am working at the airport as a strong confident woman.    6 years of struggling and now I am who I always should have been and truly the happiest that I have ever been!  

Thank you to all that have helped me along the way.   I rarely show photos of my prior self but given today is a special day I figure I will show you a few.

Traveling

Well I’m off working again; I’m not doing the normal driving to work this time.  I’m getting the pleasure of working in Seattle so I’m riding on one of our company plane to work.   It only feels like yesterday that I got home as well and here I’m heading to work.   I was able to pack in a fair amount of things to keep me busy while I was home.   Between working at the churches food bank and catching up on the lawn and family things I was pretty busy and the 12 days home went by so quickly.

I got a nice surprise yesterday though.   The plane that I was going to ride ended up being a day late so I was able to stay at my 2^nd home (AKA Fox and Hound) instead of staying by the airport in JFK.  It just made my night being able to sit on the front patio eating some nice pizza and enjoying a bottle of wine as the sun started setting and the fireflies came out.  It is such a calm and peaceful way of ending a day.

This last weekend way really fun, on Saturday Tina, Christa and I marched in the 3^rd annual Charleston Pride Parade.   We were marching with South Carolina Equality group.  We have never done something like that before so we didn’t know what to expect.   Tina was real uncomfortable as we were waiting to line up and go, and to top it off it was way hot morning.   For the 1^st part of the parade route there were not too many people on the sides of the streets.   Christa was so cute and was handing out little American flags out to little kids that were out watching the parade.   When we turned onto West Montague we could see that there was a lot more people waiting to see the parade.   I had to laugh because Tina turned and looked at me and said you are so going to owe me big for this.   I am pretty sure I am still paying her for the last thing I got her into the TV show we did J  But hey isn’t that what spouses are for though.  But all kidding aside Tina really did have a great time.  It was not close to what she expected and was really surprised at how positive of experience it was.   Christa really had a great time as well, after the parade she was out taking all kinds of photos with her camera.  While I was working at the Charleston Area Transgender group Christa and Tina went to all the booths that were set up and bought a lot of things.  One of Christa’s favorite this is a button that says I love my two moms on it.   It was a really cool experience and I think that it’s something that we will plan to do next years as well.

Do we know what people are thinking?

The other night I went out to eat at theTriumph Brewing Company here in New Hope.   We had excellent food and really good service that night.  The best part was the company I was with and the good time we had chatting with like minded people.  What got me thinking of this story was I was asked if I noticed the two younger people staring at me that night?  To be honest I didn’t notice but I also usually don’t notice things like that.  I think over the years I have developed a thick skin to stares as well as I just tune things out.   But it did remind me of what happened when we were visiting Tina’s mom one time. 

We went out to eat at one of Tina’s favorite places to eat when we visit her mom, its called Luigi's.   Their food it really good and the restaurant has a nice atmosphere as well.  While we are eating this couple came in and sat down across from us.  Like usual I didn’t pay much attention, but Tina did and said to me.  Do you see those people staring at us?  I started watching and saw that they were paying close attention to us for sure.  My first thought is are they staring at us because they perceive us as a gay couple, or because they have read me as trans, I really couldn’t tell but they were really intrigued with us for sure!  So I told Tina I’m going to get to the bottom of this and buy them a glass of wine and see if I can chat with them.  Tina was don’t you dare reward them for staring at us, if you do I’m out of here.  They are just going to make a scene.  Brenna our oldest was egging me on as well, so I orders them up some drinks J  Tina, Christa and her mom high tailed it to the car and Brenna and I went over to them to have a chat.  I was on high alert and was not going to put up with any crap, however I thought that I would be tactful to start with.  They greeted me and said thanks, but wanted to know why I was so friendly in buying them some drinks.  I said I saw you staring at us sense you got here and you looked nice and thought I would be nice.  Here is it got interesting, they said that they travel all over the country racing bikes and that they stopped at that restaurant because it looked like a nice one.  They said that they see lots of families out there but not many as nice as us and they couldn’t get over how well  our children behaved and how happy we were as a family.  I think the moral of the story is you can’t judge what people are talking about from afar, and you can’t let your own insecurities cloud into a judgment of what people are thinking or saying about you.

A very nice week

Last night’s fireworks ended a great week.  Work was uneventful and quite enjoyable and really stress free.  I even got to have a nice sunset as I was loading one of our flights.  The air force boys have been extremely helpful on our flights too, it just make life so much easier.

Yesterday I had a day off and I thought I would treat myself to a pedicure.  It has been months sense I have had one.   Before things got really busy the last few months we used to go to a really nice nail salon as a family and get our feet pampered once a month when I would get back from traveling.   I think we really need to get back to doing that if we can squeeze in the time.  I was always a bonding experience for us.   I went to this nail salon just up the road yesterday mostly because it is so close to walk to, I have not really heard much about it but it always seems busy when I go by though.   I was pleasantly surprise at the experience.   I got a hot stone pedicure, and it was so good!   At the end after they massage your legs the use hot stones to finish the massage.  I really enjoyed the heat of the stones and the smooth stones, it was really soothing.   After they painted my nails the brought me out to a round table to dry the polish.  This is where I was caught off guard for sure!  They proceeded to give you a nice neck and back massage.  For the people that know me I’m a little weird on my body space and people that I don’t know touching me really bothers me.  I think for that reason I have never choose to get any kind of messages, even though I have always wondered it if would be good or not.   I really enjoyed the neck and back message so much,  I would go back just for that any day J   I would have to say that going there was the most pleasant experience I have had at a nail salon ever.

Trip to Gravity Hill Farm

On Tuesday Sara brought me along to a wonderful farm that sell some great produce.   What was so cool is all the produce that was for sale had just been picked that day.   I bought some salad and yellow beans.  It so wonderful to have such fresh produce, the taste is so much better!

After we bought our produce we went to see the animals the best part J   They have Llamas, alpacas, chickens and goats there.   I really love Llamas; I just think they are so cute and cuddly.   

These had been shaved recently so they were kind of homely in a cute way. I’m sure they are enjoying having shorter fur though with the summer heat coming on though.  We also spent time with the goats as well.  They were so friendly and just loved to get attention. 

Here is a link to their web page Gravity Hill Farm gravityhillfarm

Fathers Day Church

I have a interesting father’s day storey to tell, but before I do that I wanted to wish all the fathers out there a big Happy Fathers Day!   It is not always easy to be a father and I commend all of the fathers out there.   I feel really blessed that I am a father of two wonderful children.  How every I am filling more of the disciplinarian mother role now daysJ.   So it is not one of those musts to celebrate father’s day for me.

Well let’s get to the story at hand….

I worked late last night and didn’t get back in until 2am.  I didn’t feel like driving down to Chestertown to my friend’s church, or to drive to Philly to a MCC church that I know I would feel more comfortable in.   I thought that I would pick a local church so I did the usual Google search.   There happened to be a church meeting about a block away from was I am staying.  I pulled up there web page and saw they were meeting a 10am and set my alarm to get up in time to get breakfast and make it there by 10am.

I did notice that they were a bible based church and I really do like that; however they did seem to be more on the conservative side of what I feel comfortable with though.   I struggled to get out of bed as the alarm clock was squawking at me. I had the great usual breakfast and off I went to church.   I usually try to not go with my first impressions because I want to get to know things first.  I have found you don’t always see the whole story at first.  As I walked in I was not greeted at all, being new it is already unnerving on what and where to go.  It was weird being there was people standing at the door, they just chose not to say anything to me L   As I started to walk into the auditorium the pastor saw me and not being greeted and came over and gave me a bulletin.   I proceeded in not feeling welcome and found a place to be seated.   As people came in and saw that I was new, yet not one person made any effort to greet me at all.  I go to many churches as I travel so I’m used to being new but this church had to be one of the unfriendly that I have been to as of yet.   So as services go it was kind of the usual Baptist type, so here is where the interesting part comes in.   In part of the service the Pastor wanted to have any fathers in the audience to come up and give a testimonial to being a father and what God has done in their lives.   It was funny because there really were not many that wanted to come up and they were reluctant.  What really got me though was the spirit really was moving me to stand up proudly and say my testimonial on how God had blessed my family and I.   In the end didn’t because I can only imagine what crazy issues I would have caused in a church that I don’t even attend regularly.  I don’t know if I did the right thing in retrospect though.  I think once again I overlooked and over though what god leads me to do.   I hope that someday I will be able to be to the point I just do when God speaks and not over think things.  I am going to give the church a second try next Sunday even though my first impressions are not so good, they may be wrong.   If they aren't I will move on to finding another church though.

Fireworks

Today I find myself sitting outside on the front porch of my home away from home enjoying the great weather.  The sun is out with hardly any clouds and a little bit of a breeze to keep is at a very comfortable temperature.    It is so calm and peaceful day, there is lots going on in town today but I just feel like sitting here and just taking in the world.  There is all different kinds of bird on the lawn getting worms and bugs for their babies, and there 2 rabbits that are coming out of the hedges eating the grass.  I enjoy the calmness of it all.

One of my favorite parts of staying in New Hope is the Friday night fireworks in the summer.   Last time I was here they were just going to start them and the river was too high so they canceled the show.   I guess I am really sentimental about the whole area and what the fireworks represent to me here I think.

I’m not one for really talking about personal things mostly because I really have a hard time getting my thoughts across clearly.  I will try though and tell you how I feel about this situation in my meager writing skills.  I see the New Hope fireworks as a freedom for me.  It represents the end of the old and unhappy person and the beginning of a new and very happy person.  I remember the 1^st time that I so wanted to see them I was laying flat on my back in bed last summer recovering from surgery.  There was no way I was going to get out of bed at that time to see them.   However the following week I was feeling much better.  I was not able to walk to well so Tina and I drove downtown Lambertville to find a parking place early.   When it got closer we got out of the car we walked down by the river to watch them.   I still remember the pain standing waiting for them to go off.   It too all I could do to stay standing waiting for them to go off.   It so was worth it though, I can still remember all the emotions and how I stood there with tears coming down my face.   It was a very powerful moment for me.   During that time Tina and I got to spend two weeks of uninterrupted time.  It was so special to get to reconnect with her in a new and different ways we have never done before.

Almost a year later I still find myself here in the New Hope area, staying here when I’m working in NJ.  Last night I got to see the fireworks.   I watched them from the bridge this time, was way easier to walk downtown from the B&B this time. J      The fireworks were shorter this time, but still very wonderful.  I was hoping I would be strong and not get all emotional but I couldn’t hold the tears of joy back though.  I look back on the last year I am such a happier and better person then I ever thought I could be.   I could never have gotten this far though if Tina was not so supportive spouse.  Thank you Tina!

http://newhopelambertvillefireworks.com/videos/ 

Graduation week

Well last week was incredibly busy for our family.  I drove home from work in PA on the 23^rd to get home for Christa’s graduation from 5^th grade.   It seems like the years have flown by, I can’t believe our baby in going to be a 6^th grader next year!   She was I a talent show last week as well and got a nice trophy for her dance.   I so wish I could have been there for her performance.  

Then on the 24^th my parents came to town.  It has been over 2 years sense I have seen my dad and a year sense I have seen my mom.  I think because of the not seeing each other for so long and the already strained relationship sure made it hard for all of us.    Tina’s mom came a day later to add the stress to a new level.   Now the grandparents get jealous of how much time each one gets to spend with the girls.

  

Saturday was our big day though; Brenna had her high school graduation!   Both Tina and I are so proud of her and how hard she worked to get to that point.  It was so nice to have all the family together to support her.  Tina and I were reflecting on how fast the time seemed to go by.  It just seems like yesterday when she was going to her 1^st day of school in Sitka.  Over the last two years we have seen how she has blossomed into a nice young woman.   I can’t wait to see what she does in her future.